just more motivation to leave

Hello, my name is Amber.

And I've got those killer mood swings again.

Maybe it's just not my morning, but I am with silent anger today. It might rain on saturday, the day of mine and Diana's yard sale. It's perfect, beautiful weather all week, but on the day we have a yard sale it decides to rain? FML.

I'm very stressed about the coming weeks. I still have to watch like 3 or 4 movies for my film class and write 2 papers by next friday. I need to finish things up for my history class, finish my workbook for music reading, finishing filming for Thomas (hopefully I'll be done today). I still have to do my FAFSA. Classes in general are mundane and it's becoming more and more difficult to find the motivation to keep going to them. I still need to get a plane ticket to Diana's wedding in July.

I hate the way my body looks, I hate my clothes, I hate how horribly damaged my hair is, I hate that I always feel neglected (whether I am or not, I always feel castrated from everyone). It feels like I'm leaving for good and no one gives a shit. The way things are going, I might as well already be gone.

I know I've said I don't like Negative Nancys, and if you don't either, then just don't read this post. I try so hard to be a happy person, and a lot of the time I am, but lately I am just....not. I'm not particularly sad or angry at any particular thing, I'm just unhappy.

I've never felt so far apart from my friends or my family- I feel like we have nothing in common. I was at a bride's maids get-together the other night and for a while we just talked about getting married and having kids and being housewives. I mean, I have nothing against that, but it's weird when you're the only one who doesn't find that as appealing.

I have no idea what's going on in my family anymore. Melissa tries to keep me updated on things (apparently my grandma had to put her dog, Sable, down) but other than that, I don't really know. My brother and I don't talk, I rarely- RARELY- talk to my other sister Becky. My parents and I don't really talk that much. Everyone else is on the brink of stranger status. I don't get it. I mean, I've never really felt like I fit in with my family, like I was never really supposed to be there, but now it's like I'm really not there. At all. I sent out graduation invitations to everyone and I asked to please RSVP (Respondez S'il Vous Plais = Please respond), not a difficult concept, right? I find out from my dad that the only people going to my graduation are my parents, my brother and my sister Melissa. And you know, if they can't make it, fine. But if someone asks you to RSVP, you should RSVP! I would much rather you tell me you're not going than to ignore me completely.

I don't even know what to say anymore