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Hello, my name is Amber

And I'm not sure what I should be feeling.

One week from today, Steph will be pulling into Portales to load the moving van. The Saturday morning we're heading out to San Francisco. She told me that she's had this feeling of excitement, not unlike waiting back stage for an audition. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited to get out of here, I'm just not feeling that excitement.

I'm leaving family, friends, comfort zones- everything and starting a clean slate. There are no more "learning communities" where I can find other theatre majors, no classes to form new friendships, auditions are actually going to be a challenge.

I'm just worried that my nerves will catch up with me and I'll end up having an anxiety attack in the U-Haul. Well that's a creepy thought. I'm going to print off my stress papers before I leave, for sure. It isn't so as to say that I'm a nervous wreck of a human being, but I admit that I have anxiety issues. I just don't want my first roommate experience to be Steph calming me down and talking me through a hyperventilation.

This can be easily avoided if I just confront my emotions. I'm not very good with goodbyes. I push people away or act like I'm only going away for a weekend. While there are people I don't care to ever see again *coughstevenrobertscough*, it's easier to make a clean break and avoid the mess of saying au revoir.

I want to hug some for hours, others I'd rather punch in the face, and some I'm completely indifferent to. Sometimes people feel obligated to confess their heart's longing to someone they won't see for a long time, or maybe never again. Well, I'm not that kinda girl. If I ever felt something for you, it will remain a mystery.

You know, for someone who's both an actor and playwright, I have a hard time expressing my feelings sometimes. In person, at least. It's easy expressing yourself in writing or by playing a character. But confronting how you feel, face to face, is a little unnerving sometimes. Okay if I don't stop here, this blog is going to go somewhere I really don't want it to go.

That being said....

Peace and Love
-A